Note to reader: This is my perception of things.
(This photo was taken on the road from Darwin to Nitmaluk national park in the NT- like a lot of special places we find ourselves this was a particularly healing place for me)

I’m writing this as part of my healing from something unhealthy and un nurturing and perhaps it may help support someone else going through something similar.

Love is complicated we know this. We also know relationships have hurdles and if we start to fall for someone we choose to listen, bend, give, grow, trust and love. Any two people have very different motivations, experiences, values and opinions of this world so navigating this can be difficult at times. This challenges us to be selfless and perhaps forgo our own needs for someone else’s needs at some point and they in turn do the same for us. In a mutually respectful relationship that’s what happens.
What happens when you realise one day that you have forgone your individuality and needs for someone that you know loves you but hasn’t been able to love you selflessly in return because they have a rather dark and heavy cloud around there head that they can’t seem to clear.

Hopefully you realise just because someone loves you doesn’t mean they know how to love and nurture you.

I experienced a needy and manipulative relationship. He wasn’t an aweful person who consiously wanted me to experience pain and emptyness. He is someone who didn’t experience unwavering love and support as a child. Someone who has never felt good enough. Someone who has self forfillingly proved this to them selves subconsciously time and time again. Someone who I wanted to show how beautiful it is to be loved unconditionally even when you arn’t perfect. Someone who hasn’t yet been able to break free from a negative cycle and realise that there is freedom and peace in taking ownership of what happens next and leaving the past behind.

I’m not saying in anyway a person is going to wake up one day and realize they deserve happiness, deserve to find peace within themselves and their past and leave all the learnt unhealthy thought processes and behaviours behind. But I have hope that for each inderviduals happiness they can slowly begin to find that path.

In my reality I infact had to clear my own dark cloud and realise these things in my own context.

I loved someone like this and felt sorry for the anguish that he suffered in his mind. I know he counldn’t see what he was doing and hoped maybe things would change because LOVE and hope are powerful.

I did try to hold a mirror up to him at times. I tried this different ways. I tried subtly, assertively, emotionally. He said he could see it and he wanted to be free from his clouded mind of fear and I believed he could see it. He wanted to love me like I deserved and he wanted to be happy and have peace of mind. He didn’t want to feel this way but the awful people and experiences in his past ‘made him this way’.  Even when he wanted to… LOVE isn’t enough to make this happen for a person. This also felt really disrespectful to who I was beacause I also have a past like we all do and I’ll take a bet we all suffered at some time or another granted some of us unfortunaly have had a lot of hardship but it doesn’t mean we all use this as an excuse for our poor bahaviours.

By blaming everyone else he gave his control of self away to them. He can’t yet take responsibility when he can not look at himself. Insecurity and sadness prevailed and this was my exit que. I did not stop loving this man and I did not want to walk away from our life together that I had committed to so furiously and self sacrificingly but it was time to take my own advice and start to re connecting with myself again.

I recieved the blame and shame from this person because for them someone else must. I must be a liar, a user, a deciever, heartless for doing this to him. My love was never enough because it’s not love he needed to feel soothed from his insecurities. It was not going to help him or me to sacrifice my own joy and happiness. I felt guilt, but not because I had done something wrong by this person, because I was not listening to myself, because I ignored myself and my needs and that made me sad, tired and empty.

It’s so interesting to me how I invited this situation into my life. It was just over a year this relationship went on for but the intensity made it feel a lot longer. This is the time it took me to see and process things. I am greatful it only took this long. I’m well aware that people end up manipulated and guilted into things and get stuck which was a very near possibility for me too. I have seen some beautiful and strong women in my life find themselves in different types of manipulative and controlling relationships. I have listened to these women (this dark cloud is not gender bias by any means let me point that out) and supported them and loved them and hoped they would find the strength to move towards themselves again. I was not blind sided by this persons behavious and insecurities. I saw them from the beginning and willing walked into this relationship hoping love was enough to concure insecurity. It might not have concurred it but I hope it felt a stir. I don’t feel silly or like I made a mistake or waisted my time. I learned some very valuable life lessons. I learnt a lot about me, about the people around me. I learnt the some not so good qualitys of others and qualities of beautiful friends and family which I am so lucky and so greatful for. They did not judge either of us but supported my choices and loved me the best they could. I am endlessly grateful they will never perhaps understand how so and from those people I learnt that love is enough.

Love enough to forgive others because they are only doing the best with what they have. If you carry hate around with you, you also have a cloud stoping you from feeling love and peace. I’m not saying accept the poor way that others treat you. By removing yourself you are not accepting his behaviour. You are not giving them the opportunity to hurt you anymore. It might seem too hard and too long of a road and you are too tired to take on the task but let me tell you. You can do it, you are courageous, beautiful and you are loved, you will in fact in time be ok (more than ok) and it will be well worth it. Beacause you are doing what’s best for you, you will have energy you thought you only had in your early 20’s and had lost.

Reach out to your community be that friends, family or community services. Re connect with your hobbies and interests, dance, read, excersise when you can. Clear your mind. Learning how to meditate would be of great benifit (I am telling you now I knew all these things too but it did not mean I could stick to my promises to myself to do these things and I still struggle but I forgive myself and keep setting small achievable goals). If you are worried about a friend or loved one start a conversation. Ask them how they are going and show them you respect them and won’t judge them because chances are they are embarrassed and are judging themselves already. Don’t tell them what to do or that you know what’s best for them or isolate them or give up on them this will only add to the low self view they are getting from the disrepecting relationship and from themselves. Show them love. Show them that love is enough and they can get it from you.

If you need help or are in immediate danger in Australia please please call 000.

Call Lifeline 13 11 14 or http://www.lifeline.org.au

For family and domestic violence, sexual assault counseling hotline call 1800 RESPECT.

Luckly this person never physically hurt me they were very gentle and non threatening but the emotion and verbal web they weaved was heavy. I don’t regret the time I spent with this person. We indeed had some wonderful times together. I don’t regret loving this person. I don’t dislike this person. But I am happy that I have removed myself from a manipulative environment and I do love the feeling of peace and energy and love I now have that I am listening and respecting myself again. I am still learning like we all are and I’m greatful for the lessons. After each relationship that doesn’t work out as hoped I always promise myself I will risk openning myself up again for love when I am ready. This time is no different.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story I hope you can take something away from this 🙂

Georgie

(I just re read a blog post I did just before getting into this relationship – ironic)